Church of the Abalone Jesus
What Would Abalone Jesus Do?
About our Church • Restoring Abalone JesusSt. Lawrence of Whelk • Holy Mary, Mother of Pearl
Becoming a Minister of the Holy Nacre • Abaloneisms
The Church of Abalone Jesus is dedicated to the beach lifestyle. Whereever there is sand, that is where we must go. We hold our services on the beaches at sunset. If you are unable to find a congregation in your area, you can always take communion by yourself or with a loved one or with the entire beach. All you need is the Body and the Blood of Abalone Jesus; the Body (shown below) and the Blood (in the form of a Mai Tai, recipe to be posted soon, courtesy of Cardinal Donald of Oceanside).
Mai Tai
Whaler's Original Dark Rum
Malibu Coconut Rum
Triple Sec
Pineapple juice
Serve over ice; drink while watching the sun set on a beach.
To complete the Communion ritual, eat Jesi†z™ if you have some on hand, or chocolate chip cookies are fine, too. (Ultra-orthodox sects will insist upon macadamia nuts in the cookies.)